Rightsizing My Life

For as long as I’ve been writing this column, I have discussed an element of the issue’s theme. This “Effective Perspective” is different. It’s my last one.

This decision is mine alone, and not borne of any particular malice or dissatisfaction from or with the good people of EFFECT. This has been a great gig from start to finish, and I count myself very lucky to have had it for so long. Heck, I still can’t believe I got it in the first place.

In 2002, EFFECT was “between editors” and needed somebody to fill in for the upcoming issue. Even though I was (and remain) woefully underqualified to edit a publication like this, I got the assignment. Presumably, every other freelance communications professional in town was either on another assignment, on extended medical leave, or stranded on an island somewhere, being chased by a smoke monster.

The magazine might have been better off with the smoke monster. My tenure as fill-in editor was so absolutely lackluster; I'm convinced it helped speed the search for a permanent editor. However, to my surprise, the publisher got in touch with me a few months later to say she enjoyed the humorous column I’d written for the back page and asked me to write another for the next issue. A few months after that, she asked for another, and then another after that. This is my one and only experience with failing upwards.

I am eternally grateful for this opportunity, and would like to express my thanks for the exemplary work done by the designers and illustrators, who consistently breathed life into my words. My current editor, Paul Pfeiffer, has been a joy to work with—helpful, wise, and unbelievably patient with deadlines. And finally, thank you, dear reader, for sticking with me. I hope you have found a few laughs and maybe even some value in my scribblings. I take pride in the fact that the only negative feedback I ever saw was from a reader who (very politely, mind you) informed me I had incorrectly used the term “begging the question.” Not a bad track record.

Now, one last bit of housekeeping.

Longtime readers will remember that I used to refer to my former employer as the Very Big Retailer. Now it can be revealed. When I wrote about my experiences working in security, or human resources, or customer service, or corporate culture in general, I was talking about working at Dayton’s, the department store that eventually became Macy’s a few years back. Given that the company exists only in memory (and the opening credits of the Mary Tyler Moore Show), I no longer need to be cagey about it. I can’t tell you how good it feels to type the real name: Dayton’s, Dayton’s, Dayton’s.

The only job I didn’t get around to discussing in my column was my last one—communications coordinator for store operations. I considered using it for this piece, since it was a job that dealt with efficiency and operational excellence. I even dug out my old samples to jog some memories. As I flipped through page after page of procedural manuals and best practices documents, I thought, “Planogram? What the heck’s a planogram?” And I remembered why I left the job.

I never knew what a planogram was, or what was involved in opening a new store, or what the data meant that we were making available in our high-tech, web-based interface. I just knew how to ensure that the word “planogram” was spelled correctly and in the right font. By the end, I lived in constant fear of suddenly being revealed as a sham.

I'm leaving this column before that happens again. My lack of knowledge and understanding about most of the topics I’ve covered could fill a book (eight years’ worth of this column, in fact). Somehow, I always managed to dredge up some nugget from my life and use it as the base concept for what I hope was an enjoyable mélange of humor, honesty, flights of fancy, and the occasional pop-culture reference. Eventually, though, those nuggets get harder to find, and the columns become exponentially more difficult to write. If the column used to take three working days, it now takes eight. If the column used to need one revision, it now needs four, and I just don’t see those numbers going anywhere but up.

There simply comes a time where you have to realize that a part of your business no longer has the same return on investment, and that it’s time to direct your energies elsewhere.

Well, what do you know? I wound up addressing a business issue after all.

Matt Fugate is a stand-up comedian and freelance writer.
Visit www.mattfugate.com for more information. Follow him at twitter or friend him at facebook.